|
nob custard tv the television guide
for switched-off people
15th February 2005
Get Your Brits Out!
The Brits 25
(ITV!, Last Thursday)
Hey kids!
Yes, after a not much publicised split from Charlotte Church (mainly not much publicised cos it only
happened in my head) I’m back with the nob custard to review The Brits! (She smoked in bed, farted during
sex; she had to go!)
What’s been going on with me I hear you cry? Well, I got Claire Sweeney and co. to come in and
completely revamp my main site TV Creaming Ourselves in an hour! It’s amazing what a lick of paint and new wallpaper
can do for your rather grubby looking Internet page. And Claire was great in bed afterwards too! (Well, she had to repay me
for allowing her the honour of redesigning my Website!)
And, hey wasn’t it great to see Chris Evans back on TV? I remember fondly when his chat show
… er ... Wogan, wasn’t it, or something or other was on TV! (The one were Shaun Ryder said fuck a lot!)
Some great performances too, not least the Scissor Sisters (none of them are sisters and I bet
none of them own a pair of scissors - though I strongly suspect some of the guys may own nail files!) And they were accompanied
by some very gay looking Muppets! Great to see the Muppets back on TV, but where were my favourites, Miss Piggy and Fozzie?
Oh, and Gonzo, love that big-nosed guy!
And, oh gosh, we were really surprised when Franz Ferdinand won some gongs (not!) They were
next to perform. Which allows me to introduce my brand, spanking new, clever and witty phrase, “One off the Franz Ferdinand
is worth two in the Kate Bush”! It’s … er … sort of rhyming slang, ahem. They won awards for “Best
British Band Still Sounding Like All Those Bands in the Late 70s Like the Gang of Four”, and, “Best Rock Band
Still Sounding Like All Those bands in the Late 70s Like the Gang of Four”!
Then Joss Stone (watch out Charlotte, I think I’ve found a new child bride to sweep off
her feet - or at least have an affair with!) You had me, you lost me, Charlotte!
She later teamed up with Robbie Williams for a rendition of Angels, where she showed him up
to be the crappy singer we all though he was anyway. The girl can sing, and I wouldn’t mind a private audience experiencing
her oral dexterity sometime!
But it wouldn’t be The Brits without a duet, or two … or three even! So besides
Robbie and Joss, we got Jamelia and Lemar, and pop siblings Natasha and Daniel Bedingfield. Still haven’t
had my dream pairing of Cilla Black and Thom Yorke from Radiohead. Never mind, maybe next year!
Other performances came from Keane, who’s lead signer is so baby-faced that he probably
had trouble getting served at the Brits bar and had to remain sober all night, poor lad. The Streets, who’s Mike
Skinner later went missing when it came time to pick up an award (probably went away to dry his eyes mate at the emotion of
it all!) And Gwen Stefani with four Japanese stalkers who seem to follow her around everywhere these days (phone the
police and change your number love!)
And hey, Green Day! Looked like Earl’s Court was burning down for a moment there, with
that giant screen at the back. (That fire is out of control!) Thought they were going to have to call in the cast of London’s
Burning to put out a real fire and then maybe give out the award for best international band or something while they were
there (might as well get your money’s worth!)
But why, oh why, oh why do we have to end with scruffy has-been rocker Bob Geldolf? Maybe cos
he fed the world once and got caught in a rat trap, but what does he do now? Cept moan on Grumpy Old Men about how things
used to be better in the old days (like when he was having hits with the Boomtown Rats, ha!) Sorry, Sir, Saint Bob, your Highness!
It was great to be back with the nob custard, but all good things must come to an end, and I
gotta go now. I promised Katie Derham a quick one before I got back to work on my other site, and the poor girl has been waiting
ages while I finished writing this (er … this is still probably in my head, I suspect!)
The lovely Joss Stone can reach me at: cultfreako@hotmail.com
|
