ALAS SMITH AND JONES  (80s-90s)

BBC

Not a bit like THE TWO RONNIES, no, not at all. For a start Mel and Griff didn't wear glasses, and they weren’t called Ronnie. And those head to head pieces were not anything like THE TWO RONNIES, they were more like Pete and Dud, weren’t they? Still, at least they were better than Hale and Pace!

ALFRESCO (Early 80s)

ITV

After having sketches rejected by THE TWO RONNIES, the young wide-eyed Ben Elton's first attempt to be funny. Didn't really succeed, but then there are some that say he never really did succeed.  So there you are - not as bad as all that after alll!  (Would pave the way for his much funnier musicals later on!)

ANIMAL MAGIC  (70s)

BBC1

Barmy bloke who used to talk to the animals (and do the voices of the animals talking back to him too!)  A bit like Psycho really!  You know - Norman Bates talking to his dead mother, and him doing her voice too?  Johnny Morris was probably someone who was released too soon!  Barking!

Or Bapwatch!  Or Pammie's Bapwatch to be more precise, as this is where that blonde, buxom goddess Pamela Anderson made her name!)  Slow motion wank fest if ever there was one!  Wasn't much in the way of plot in the show but David Hasseloff has to be a genius to know exactly what we wanted from early evening Saturday television - babes in bikinis and bouncing boobs!!

BEADLE'S ABOUT  (Whenever - 80s?)

ITV

Well the genius of the practical joke, isn't anymore, so we're all safe! The next time you're getting booked by a traffic warden and his beard looks false - it's not Beadle!  Although the beard may still be false, so don't tug at it, the little fascist might get even more jumped up than he already is, I don't konw, give 'em a uniform and they think they're bloody Hitler!!  Ahem, sorry about my little rant there, I just don't like traffic wardens.

He might have got on your wick but he pulled some fucking great stunts, like the alien landing in that poor woman's garden!, and you have to make exceptions for the disabled - I mean the poor guy had a withered hand!  Wonder how he got that then?  Not from doing what I'm thinking was the way he got it?!  No, surely not, that's, er, just me.

THE BENNY HILL SHOW (70s-80s)

ITV

The lad himself, Benny Hill, amused us with his sexist comedy, accompanied by Henry Magee (not the bloke who discovered Oasis!), his female beauties, Hill’s Angels, and that bloke with a bald head who Hill - oh so amusingly - would slap on the head. Sketches, songs and some humour occasionally, then he would rip the clothes off his Angels at the end and chase them around at high speed to the theme music (nice - but not exactly funny!)

(Benny does his Mick Hucknall impression!)

(“I feel a double entendre coming on!”)

BERGERAC  (80s or thereabouts)

BBC

An antiques dealer on the island of Jersey, fights criminals. And there was a lot of criminal activity on Jersey, to say it was such a tiny island! A bit like there’s a lot of murders in Midsommer Murders, and that bloke in that looks familiar! Bergerac was like an early version of David Dickinson, cept that Dickinson doesn’t live on Jersey, and … er … doesn’t fight crime.

(Bergerac - an early version of David Dickinson, only not as orange!)

(John Noakes shows dog his arse - dog isn't interested!)

Muddled through without direction until the sex bomb that is Anthea Turner joined their ranks and then became compulsive viewing!  She can bind me in sticky back plastic and play with my squeezy bottle any day!

Many presenters came and went: Valerie Singleton, John Noakes (and not forgetting Shep - although he didn't exactly present, he just shagged John's leg!) Peter Purvis, Lesley Judd and Simon Groom to name just a few.  Simon Groom once made the gaff of saying: 'What a lovely pair of knockers,' while admiring a pair of antique doorknockers (no, not as you thought - Lesley Judd's baps!)  Oh, how we laughed!  And their garden was once vandalised (okay it was me!  I admit it!  Nah, just kidding hehe!

Richard Bacon would later disgrace the show by taking drugs and then end up on Channel 5, and then some obscure show on satelitte (oh, how the mighty have fallen!)

Did you know: That BLUE PETER presenter Janet Ellis was the mother of Sophie Ellis Bextor?  You did?  Clever fucking know-it-all aren't you!!

(Contestant picks her nose and dislodges another brain cell!)

THE BRITS (80s-present)

BBC1, then ITV

The cream of the crap of British awards ceremonies! Guaranteed to be a flop. Inept pairings of major music celebrities, such as Tom Jones and Robbie Williams , and Klaxons and fucking Rhianna!, abound. Who next? Our Cilla and Tom Yorke out of Radiohead?! It would be a toss up who could sing the worst!

Best moments, Geri Halliwell in the Union jack tea towel, and this year Plan B's riot and man on fire (which was this year's crap effort's only redeeming feature!)  Was originally on BBC and one year presented by Mick Fleetwood and Sam Fox, the programme excelled … in naffness! Only Frank Skinner comes close to making a balls up of such titanic proportions. It switched to ITV but was just as naff. One year, Jarvis Cocker wiggled his arse at Michael Jackson (if he’d been a young boy - and we know we shouldn't speak ill of the dead, but what the hell - he would have been in trouble!) Oasis swore the same year … that they’d never go on this shit show again!