GIVE US A CLUE  (70s - like forever!)

ITV

Lionel Blair and a wide-eyed Una Stubbs wet themselves with excitement as they battled it out with their teams of celebrities at the popular parlour game of Charades. Mute madness, chaired by Michael Aspel. Still, at least Lionel didn’t dance, and Una kept her clothes on (what was she like Cliff? Is that what turned you off women, eh? Aledgedly, ahem)

GONE FISHING  (50s-60s)

BBC

Bloke goes fishing.

THE GOODIES  (70s-80s)

BBC, then ITV

Affectionate parody of MONTY PYTHON'S FLYING CIRCUS, starring Graeme Garden, Bill Oddie (now a renowned bird-fancier - yeah he likes his tits!) and Tim Brooke Taylor.

Together they battled a giant pussy (been there hehe!) dabbled in the ancient Yorkshire art of Ecky Thump, and generally did things that Buster Keaton hadn't done for ages (mainly because he was dead by the time these lovable chaps came along!)

GO WITH NOAKES  (70s)

BBC

Eurgh, who would want to go with Noakes! Right girls? Specially if he brought Shep along with him. He would be at your leg in no time (and Shep too!) Spin off from BLUE PETER, in which dare-devil Noaksie would do, er, darey-devil things, like bobsledding, that type of dare-evil thingery.

GROUND FORCE  (90s)

BBC

(Charlie Dimmock's nipples harden with excitement at doing a spot of weeding!)

Gardening was never this much fun! The king of television presenting Alan Titchmarsh paired with Charlie Dimmock (who had a pair all of her own!)  She'd plop them in front of the camera at every given opportunity, they'd wobble when she trowelled, bounce when she hoed, and ... er ... wobbled a bit more when she did a ... er ... spot of weeding.  Titchmarsh probably had a stiffy throughout (why do you think he was bent down so much - it wasn't just to do the gardening, it was to hide his hardened nob!)  We can sympathise with him, we were never so stiff watching any other gardening show (Percy Thrower never did much for us!)

Comedy (loosely-speaking) duo, famous for doing a Kray type spoof featuring two heavies who would come on and say: 'We are ... the Management,' to much hilarity.  We know a song about them, would all you boys and girls like to hear it?  'What a pair of unfunny w**kers we are!  What a pair of unfunny w**kers we are, we are!  What a pair of unfunny w**kers we are.'  Nuff said.

(Mwah ... mwwwah ... mwwwwwwah ... bleurgh!!!)

Lovey dovey kissy pooey husband and wife detective team, and when they met it was "muhdar"!  That was according to their gravel-voiced, cigar-chomping butler and all round dogsbody, Max, who took care of them, because they were too busy solving crimes of international espionage and murder, and being vomit-inducing-ly lovey dovey with each other.  (Called each other darling all the time, that sort of thing - eurgh!)  They had a mutt called Freeway, so called because they found him ... yes you've guessed it - in a dustbin!

THE HITMAN AND HER  (80s)

ITV

On in the early hours of the morning, featuring Pete Waterman (who discovered Rick Astley you know - wow!) and the ever smiling Michaela Strachan.  Each edition came from a different nightclub, lots of punters gurning at the camera, getting their mugs on TV, etc, and bad karaoke (bit like Pete's discoveries really!)  Pete would go on to be a judge on POP IDOL, Michaela would go on to be ... er ... does anyone know what happened to the grinning bint?!

HOLLYOAKS  (90s-present)

Channel 4

Teen soap set in a part of Chester inhabited by lots of young blonde attractive skirt!  The plot involves drugs, teen angst, sex, murder, rape, and all the other stuff that used to be popular in Phil Redmond’s other show, BROOKSIDE, before it was axed.  Unfortunately, no Jimmy Corkhill or Harry Cross in this one!