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U-Z
From UTTER
TRIPE to Z-GRADE POO
UP THE ELEPHANT AND ROUND THE CASTLE (70s)
ITV
Nick nick! King
of comedy Jimbob Davidson was given his own sitcom. I was slightly disappointed
when he didn't do his Chalkie White impression, but never mind this raised a vague laugh or two anyway. And Jimbob would go
on to host JIM DAVIDSON'S GENERATION GAME, which was lucky for the BBC, as they
would have had to change the name otherwise! Also went Snooker Loopy in the eighties, a condition that was fortunately
treatable with a special ointment applied by Steve Davis to your intimate regions!
THE VAL DOONICAN SHOW (70s)
BBC or ITV
Bloke in knitted sweater sings songs about Delaney the Donkey, seated in a rocking chair. Is this what used to pass
for entertainment in the old days?!
(Val - Delaney
had his donkey!)
VIP (90s)
American TV
Here's a good one, Pamela Anderson is a bodyguard (I'd love to guard her body!) Assisted by Hale Berry, among others. What a pair they make too (and I'm just talking about Pammie!)
Yes the bouncing baps star of BAYWATCH went on to produce this show, about an
agency of bodyguards looking after the rich and famous in Hollywood. Led by our Pam as Valerie Irons (bet she doesn't
though - iron I mean!) The agency seems to be full of ladies with large breasts (silicone city!) Let's face
it, the only reason you watched the show was to ogle the mammary circus on display here, because the plots, just like
BAYWATCH before it are dire!
THE WEAKEST LINK (2000ish-?)
BBC
Punish me, you nazi bitch!
Stand on my face with your leather boots, oh I love it, I love it, I love it! Er .. did I just say all that out loud?
THE WEATHER IN NORWEGIAN (90s)
Live TV
The weather read by an attractive
Norwegian bird. Well, that's it really!
WHO WANTS TO BE A MILLIONAIRE (90s-?)
ITV
Well I do for one, then I
wouldn't have to waste my time doing lousy TV sites like this on the internet, and maybe I'd get to shag Carol Vorderman or Katie Derham, or one of the other
fab ladies I get excited about off the telly!
Chris
Tarrant's finest hour, cept maybe for TISWAS (er, which wasn't
exactly an hour - it was several!)
You all do the catchphrases
down the pub: 'Sure? Positive? Do you wanna go fifty-fifty or phone a friend?' What do you mean, you don't? You
sad wankers!
WIN, LOSE, OR DRAW LATE (2000s)
(ITV)
Being the late version I tuned in expecting to see the
female team to be nude or something, but no! Pity, when Kate Garraway and Lara Lewington have guested on this show!! This is just how the programme would be if it
was on earlier, but on … er, late. Isn’t this also the same as GIVE US A CLUE except
that the constants draw instead of mime? What a brilliant new concept! Duh! Chaired by Lisa Tarbuck
(so maybe it’s a good idea that this isn’t a nudie version! Yeuk!)
(Kate Garraway
- quick on the draw, but not nude!)
WORZEL GUMMIDGE (70s,80s)
ITV
Worzel (a scarecrow - DR WHO's Jon Pertwee no less!) wanted to get his leg over Aunt Sally (a doll - no not that sort of doll,
this was a kids show, remember!) Aunt Sally was played by Una Stubbs
(not exactly Pamela Anderson then - to get so worked up over?) She never
let him though (maybe it was the fact that he had a different head for different things - probably didn't have a shagging
head!) Aunt Sally wasn't the only one the scruffy scarecrow had to fend off advances from, there was Saucy Nancy (I bet she
went!) played by EASTENDERS and Carry On fave, Barbara Windsor, and Dolly Clothes Peg (played by EMMERDALE's
Lorraine Chase! Quite what the attraction was we don't know, but we reckon
he must have had either a big nob or a fortune hidden away somewhere!
THE X-FILES
(90s)
American TV
(Scully in shock as she discovers an extra
testicle!)
The will they, won't they shag angle, while
they searched for extra terrestrials (that’s extra terrestrials - not extra testicles!) kept us glued to our screens
(or was that just the fact that my TV screen gets a bit sticky sometimes?)
Although having Mulder and Scully searching
for extra testicles might have made a good episode (and Gillian Anderson can check
my pants for extra testicles any day!)
They never did shag, so we wasted our time
watching this crap after all!
Gillian Anderson would become
a pin up and pose in lads mags in her underwear (I just remebered I've still got those mags - anyone got a Kleenex?!)
("Hello?
... yes I'd love to pose in FHM and Maxim so men can wank over me!")
Our favourite
episodes ...
Squeeze
A man who can squeeze himself
down chimneys or through very narrow ventilation shafts to get into buildings. We’d love to be able to do this
(we’d squeeze ourselves into the ventilation shafts of the ladies showers at the swimming baths!) Does anyone
know where Katie Derham goes swimming?!
Jersey
Devil
Some devil’s been pinching
jerseys again and it’s bloody freezing! No, we’re kidding haha! This was about a kind of big foot
with an appetite for human flesh. (No, it wasn’t some pregnant woman with a bizarre craving!)
Deep
Throat
Ooh-er! We watched this episode
in anticipation that this would be about what we thought it would be! Sadly, it, er, wasn’t.
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