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C-D
From CRAP to DRIVEL
CALL MY BLUFF
(70s-present)
BBC1
And the first word is … bollocks! Ah, yes,
bollocks. This is the nationality of a certain people who live in the Himalayas, so-called cos when they go out in
the snow they always freeze their bollocks off, hence the name!
Dull word game, with minor celebrity guests. Hosted
by Robert Robinson (no relation to Anne), with team captain’s bowtie clad
Frank Muir (yeah, he loved his dickies!) and Patrick
Campbell.
Was revamped with Fiona Bruce hosting it … and minor celebrity guests.
CAPTAIN PUGWASH (70s)
BBC1
Was supposed to be an animated
children's show, but wasn't very animated. Captain Pugwash, a pirate, and me heartys, sailed the seven cut out seas
on his ship the Black Pig, only Cutout Throat Jake stood in his way! His heartys were Barnabas, Pirate Willy (ooh-er
missus!) Master Mate (oh dear - it gets worse!) and Tom the Cabin Boy.
Many a schoolboy from the
time would have told you that one of Pugwash's crew was called Master Bate (while many a schoolboy from the time would masturbate
frequently!)
(Captain Pugwash - none of his crew were
wankers!)
CELEBRITY FIT
CLUB (2000s)
ITV1
No fit celebrities on here! Eurgh! If you want to see fit celebrities
watch HOLLYOAKS!
No, this is a programme where fat, obese, disgustingly FAT, YOU'RE SOOOO
FUCKING FAT, FATTY! try to lose weight.
Verdict: fucking tubs of lard!
CHILD'S PLAY (80s)
ITV
Not a spin-off from the horror
film starring Chucky the demonic doll (unfortunately!)
Contestants had to guess what
the little brats are trying to explain: people etc, from their childlike viewpoint, to much amusement. So you got cute
kids unknowingly giving way-out descriptions of politicians and royals, which had us in stitches (we split our sides we did!)
Presented by Michael Aspel, like everything else at the time!
THE CHINESE DETECTIVE (80s)
BBC
A bit like A TOUCH
OF FROST and MORSE but with a Chinese Detective, what a twist!
THE COMEDIANS (70s)
ITV
Racist, homophobic, sexist
comedy from the cream of Britain’s stand-up bigots at the time: Jimmy Tarbuck,
Bernard Manning, Charlie Williams,
Jim (BULLSEYE) Bowen, Jim Davidson,
and Roy Walker (yes “that” Roy Walker
- off CATCHPHRASE - he was actually once funny - and we mean just the once!!)
My mother-in-law is so fat that she’s hilarious! Ho ho ho! Irishmen are really thick! Ho ho ho! Scotchmen are always
pissed, or tight, or both! Ho ho bloody ho!
(The Comedians - doing their bit for racial
relations, in the 70s!)
COUNTDOWN (1982- present)
CH4
Student types favourite, who
watched the show in the hope that Carol Vorderman would spell out TWAT with the
letters. Which never happened, cos if it did it was edited out. Richard Whiteley
playfully came on to Carol Vorderman, but the Vord at the Board was much too highly paid to let him shag her.
We'd have all liked to have shagged
her too, cos she liked to show off her titties at the awards ceremonies and has become something of a sex symbol since she did
her detox diet thing! Squeezing into short skirts, jeans, low-cut and tight tops, ooh it gets me going just
thinking about it!
Richard offered corny puns
as entertainment, z-list celebrities which have included Tom O'Connor, Rick Wakeman, Tim Rice, Gyles
Badbreath, Carol Thatcher (Maggie's brat!) sit in Dictionary Dell
with some posh Oxford totty word expert, and offer their own unfunny anecdotes!
Has been re-invented since
Richard died, and has never really recovered, and even Carol Vorderman
isn't in it anymore.
(Richard
Whitely playfully nobbing Carol Vorderman from behind in front of the Countdown clock)
DES O'CONNOR TONIGHT (90s, 2000s)
ITV
Freddie
Starr ruined this show on many occasions for me, what's the point of getting a true professional like old
Dezza to present a show when he's just going to come on and mess about and behave like a complete clown?! No point,
that's what's the point! Best guest: Stan Boardman doing his Fukker
joke, which got him a ban from television (well at least some good came out of it!)
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