THE SALON  (around 2003 suit you?)

Channel 4

Celebrities and other people have their hair done. Well, that’s it, basically! Riveting, I’m sure you’ll admit!

Cheryl Baker had colonic irrigation. What is that? Beats the shit out of me! She had it done while she was “making her mind up” (do you see what I did?) whether to have a perm or a trim.

Verdict: watching paint dry was never this much fun!

SEX AND THE CITY  (1999-2004)

American TV

Kim Cattaral as Samantha says fuck a lot and gets it from a number of men. That’s … er … it really, but who cares?! There’s some other women in it, a blonde who does the narration, a redhead and a brunette, but forget about them, I just want to hear Kim say fuck a lot and get her kit off!

Fuck the Tetley tea ad Kim! (unless it’s a late night version where you get down and dirty with the Tetley tea men!)

(Samantha, second left, and … er … the others.)

Gentlemen, we can rebuild him … Yeah, bit of Meccano, and a few diodes and wires here and there, and he’ll be as right as rain! After his six million dollar op (bet he couldn’t get that done on the National Health!) Steve Austin could run faster, was stronger, and could see further. (No wonder he got to nob Farrah Fawcett, eh!) Had a thing for Jamie Sommers (Lindsay Wagner) who become the BIONIC WOMAN in a spin-off series. I had a thing for her, but it ain’t bionic!

Ex BROOKSIDE babe and a half, Claire Sweeney and her team decorate someone’s home from top to bottom in 60mins (sometimes with the owners permission!) Thinking of inviting Claire round myself, but it’s not decorating I have in mind (I’ll give her a make over of a different kind!)

Is this not just like CAROL VORDERMAN'S BETTER HOMES, only without the BETTER HOMES in the title and er … without, Carol? Course, bet they don’t really do it in 60mins, bet it sometimes takes 61 minutes, or 62 even! That on-screen clock is well dodgy, don’t trust it!

(Claire in one of the stand out episodes from the series!)

(30 minutes gone and Claire strips down to her underwear to keep us interested!)

Did you know?

Sweeney wasn’t in the cop show of the same name in the 70s; it’s just a coincidence!

She can be in my cop show if she wants though! I’m making my own private cop show on video - I got the policewoman’s uniform and everything!

'You want us to follow you, Skip?  There's some bloke lying injured in a disused mineshaft out in the outback?'

Telepathic (must have been!)  Skippy was a bush kangaroo and is the only Aussie actor never to appear in HOME AND AWAY or NEIGHBOURS, although I think I once spotted him in  PRISONER CELL BLOCK H (or was it my deluded imagination?!)

STARS IN THEIR EYES / CELEBRITY STARS IN THEIR EYES (90s-present)

ITV1

In STARS IN THEIR EYES ordinary members of the public pretend to be popstars.  In CELEBRITY STARS IN THEIR EYES, celebrities pretend to be popstars.  Well, we never said these descriptions had to be lengthy and in-depth, did we?!

THIS MORNING WITH RICHARD AND JUDY  (80s,90s)

ITV

Classic television!  Richard and Judy are the best husband and wife team on television, er ... come to think of it they're the *only husband and wife team on television!  (*Accurate back then - ed.)  We'll never forget Judy exposing her baps on that TV awards show, and we're grateful for that!  (She's never stopped showing them off since - and we love them!)  We'll never forget Richard's brilliant Ali G impression - hey, spot the difference, or his much publicised vasectomy (I mean Richard had to have it done as the temptation to shag his big-boobed, shagfest of a wife is too great, and they can do without more brats spending their hard-earned money!)

Had a weather man called Fred who did the weather on a large floating map of the British Isles, on the River Mersey.  And was once interrupted by a streakier.  I have a gripe however, it rained one day and he said it was going to be fine all day, and I got fucking soaked!!

(The tits we like to see most on television - and Melanie Sykes's breasts!)

(Randy Des suggests a threesome with guest, Jennifer Ellison!)

(Des demonstrates what he'd like to do to Jen's tits!)

A TOUCH OF FROST  (90s)

ITV

Del Boy tries to solve some crimes under the impression that he's some kind of detective.  What a plonker!  Only a fool or a horse would think that.  This will never be as good as the genius that was MORSE.