THE INCREDIBLE HULK  (70s)

(American TV)

'Don't make me angry, I rip my clothes off when I'm angry!'

You wouldn't like him when he was angry.  When he was angry, David Banner turned into a very large green hulk, but still managed to keep his trousers on even though the rest of his clothes ripped from him when he grew bigger!

An experiment in gamma radiation was the cause of his predicament, and each week he searched to find cure, but never did find one (well they wouldn't have had a series if he had would they!)

(The Hulk - split personality, split pants!)

IT AIN'T HALF HOT MUM  (70s)

BBC

Well it would be - it's set in India!  Who can forget Windsor Davies and Don Estelle and their Whispering Grass (must have been the druggy kind of grass - if it whispered!)  Melvyn Hayes was in it too and a few other people. Accused of having racist overtones since, but at the time we loved laughing at foreigners!

JACKANORY  (70s,80s)

BBC1

A children’s programme where some celebrity sits there and reads stories from a book (sometimes out loud!) Wow, they don’t make kids show like that anymore! Alas, Samantha Fox or any of the other topless models ever read a story on it, so it was never known as JACK OFF NORY!

Strange white-haired, cigar-smoking bloke, who wore more jewellery than a black American rapper, and sat in a magic chair and made children's fantasies come true (oo-er missus!)  Kids would write in with letters asking to meet famous people or to go and have a look at a toy factory or something.

Most of the requests were pretty dull, we could have thought of much "better" Fix Its, and in fact I did write in once or twice ... 

Dear Jim

Please could you fix it for me to go on a hot date with Lesley Judd off Blue Peter, and maybe get a shag too?

Love

The future editor of The Comfy Chair

Aged 14

Dear Future editor of The Comfy Chair

Now then, now then, Lesley Judd's a very busy lady, what with presenting Blue Peter, and making sure the pets are fed so they don't die or anything.  And anyway, if I could fix that for you, I'd fix it for me, myself, because I've heard that Lesley Judd goes like the clappers!  Why don't you write in wanting to visit a sweet factory or something like everyone else?

Dear Jim

Fuck the sweet factory!  I want to get my end away with the luscious Lesley!  You are a tosser not fixing that for me.  I hope you fall in a river and drown cos all your jewellery weighs you down!

Other Fix Its I wrote in about were: Group sex with me and Legs and Co, to meet Emu and ask him whether it hurt having Rod Hull's arm up his backside, and to meet Wonder Woman, Lynda Carter and get her to show me her tits!  All reasonable requests I'm sure you'll agree, but the white-maned fucker never responded to any more letters from me!

KNIGHT RIDER  (80s)

American TV

(David Hasseloff dreans of bouncing boobs in slow motion and being big in Germany as he drives KITT!)

Before David Hasselhoff brought us his true work of genius - BAYWATCH, he was in this.  In it he got to drive a rather sleek looking car called KITT, that spoke to him, and together they fought crime - a bit like Batman and Robin, cept that ... er ... one was a car in this one, and Hasselhoff never wore his underkeks on the outside! We think Michael Knight was cool, we want a car like that (in the meantime we've made one out of an old Robin Reliant - all the girls will be after us now!)

Did you know: That David Hasseloff was a big pop star in Germany?  No you didn't, you're lying!